Don't Look Back; (My Struggles Lately)

	But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:26 "Don’t look now!" These words of advice are often meant to protect us from behaving in a way that might prove embarrassing or inappropriate at the moment. We can choose to "look" with the understanding that we might be hurt or hurt someone else's feelings. It is our call whether we want to entertain those consequences. But when we get instructions not to look at the sun during an eclipse, for instance, we know this is a serious warning that needs to be heeded. The consequences of not complying are physically threatening to our vision. When we make choices, we must consider the potential consequences. Ignoring advice may or may not harm us. Ignoring a valid warning may trigger irreversible damages. When Lot's wife turned her head to look longingly back to her hometown, she was turned to a pillar of salt. We, in turn, may wonder about the goodness of God. After all, she only glanced back for a moment. Isn't it normal to grieve for the past just a little bit? What's the harm? Don't we all peek at the past? The answer to these questions helps us understand the difference between temptation and disobedience. When Lot's wife looked back on the disaster, she acted with deliberate disobedience. Earlier in the day, angels had explained to Lot's family that they were being given an opportunity to run from what would inevitably destroy them and to start a whole new life. The only condition was that they had to completely let go and look only ahead. They had to trust that God's plan was absolutely the best possible option for them (vv. 15-17). Unfortunately, neither Lot nor his wife trusted God's plan. Lot begged for an adjustment (vv. 18-20); his wife opted for disobedience. The consequence was that she became a part of the judgment on Sodom and Gomorrah. Her deepest allegiance got its sad reward. When our past becomes the overwhelming, controlling factor of our present, we put ourselves outside God's plan for our abundant life. We are lost as we long for what is dead in the past. Allowing God to bring new people, new experiences, and new challenges into our lives helps us live in the present. But the bottom line has to do with obedience to God's directions. When we insist on doing what he has told us not to do, we get frozen into disobedience. Will we let God be the Lord of our lives, or will we hang on to the things in our past that are keeping us from the fulfilling life God offers?

*I dont know if it's been my pregnancy hormones, or just the whole experience of going through yet another big life experience without my mother but recently I've really been struggling with the whole "Dont look back" concept. I know God has placed me right where I need to be in life to protect myself, my children, to heal my wounds, and to have life and have it more abundant; so how DARE I ever look back and long for that old life right?

Easier said then done. Why did Lot's wife look back? Because it was all she'd ever known, it was the comfort of her home, the relationships she'd built over the years with others she was leaving behind, and just the desire for one last look at everything she had ever known before stepping out into the unknown of Gods perfect plan.

I can relate to this story, possibly more then any other in the whole bible. This and the lady with the issue of blood. To me, these two stories both go hand in hand with how I am changed from the experiences in my past. (If you have no idea what Im talking about please go read my bio page and maybe some other previous posts about sexual abuse/overcoming/motherhood) I know God has delivered me out of the depression, hurt, and utter sorrow of not having a mother around, but its so hard not to take one last longing look back at how things "might have been". I often find myself thinking on this most when Im already upset, having a bad day, or just letting my thoughts get the best of me.

I often go to my bathroom and sit with the door shut when Im feeling down. I dont want my daughter having to see me crying and then wondering why Mommy isnt happy. But when Im in there sometimes the devil will try to play with my thoughts, and feed on my emotions at the time. Awful things such as "You aren't a good mother, how could you be when your own mom has never even loved you?" such HORRIBLE thoughts that I know are not out of love, but can only come from the one that wants to destroy me.

Just the other day this happened to me, and I did the same I always do, no matter how low and down I think I am, I KNOW Ive been blood bought and I call on that blood once again to remind me of how far Ive come. I say "Devil get behind me, you have no place here, Ive been blood bought by Jesus Christ and I KNOW Im a good mother, I KNOW Im not in that place anymore, and I WONT look back". Then I spend some time talking to Jesus and as always he IMMEDIATELY comforts me and I can almost feel him wrap his arms around me.

Should I be taking "one last look" back and missing the things I used to know and love? Should I be getting upset that my mother isnt in my life anymore? Maybe not, probably not, but I am human. Although the devil might try to "turn me into a pillar of salt" on my bathroom floor, I don't give him a place. Even though Im looking back in that moment and all those ugly emotions come flooding back, I dont give him the footing to crumble me. I cant. Ive come too far.

So, I call on the blood to save me once again. Thats the thing about Jesus' blood. Its not just for new converts, its not just for when we get born again or baptised. There is enough power in his blood that its for ANY time in our lives that we might feel the desire to "look back". Its just not worth it.

But Living the life that God has given me is TOTALLY worth it!